Mummyhood - No, I didn't lose my identity

Years ago, before I had Dumpling, my life was full of random and spontaneous moments and I exercised 5 days a week. Yup, 5 DAYS A WEEK. After work, I'd travel down to a Yoga studio which I was an active member of and would be powering through sessions of Hot Flow yoga.

On the occasional 'day off', (likely once to twice a week :p) I will be at one of the watering holes at Emerald Hill with some of my ex colleagues (whom I still keep in touch to this day) having a few glasses of drink before I call it a night.

Then mummyhood came along and it's begun to sound like some sort of a bad pick up line where you get excluded from catching up sessions as you are officially "in a different camp". It took me a while to get used to it, being responsible for someone else who is totally dependent on you for her needs. Coupled with having some issues with PND, it took a while before I could ease into mummyhood.

Frankly I did not have that "love at first sight" moment. This little new being and I worked really hard at getting to know each other and I often wondered then if there was something wrong with me, especially when I hear of how friends took to parenting like a duck to the water (yup, those were the actual words used). I had cabin fever and I felt just so 'small' during my confinement period (and for some subsequent months after being laid off as my ex company was bought over) and felt that I had no purpose in life other than to do diaper change and feeding. This mummyhood role was not an easy role for me, especially when I was used to being busy and handling 'bigger' issues being a Regional Marketing Manager for a listed company.

But bit by bit, I have grown to love my role as a mum. I no longer view it as 'small', instead I was awed by the fact that I have been tasked to take care of, grow and mold a person, who I hope and pray will grow up to be sensible and have the right values. And that's also how we grew organically to be a homeschooling duo.

It has been more than 5.5 years being a mum and gawd, it is to date, the most difficult role that I have ever been tasked with. In the past, I used to feel a bit of a sting when I had to forgo meeting up with friends or sending my apologies that I cannot meet for dinner dates (as I need to homeschool in the evenings). But over the past 2-3 years, I have come to terms with it. I guess during those early years, there was always a tiny doubt at the back of my mind if I have lost my identity - the fun-loving person who was always up for drinks and dinner dates with my friends and colleagues.

It took me a while to realise that I did not lose my identity but in fact, mummyhood added a different dimension to me as a person. I have never known that I am capable of loving another being as fiercely as I do, until I became a mum. Being a mum has made me a provider, a care giver, a healer, an educator, a believer and most importantly a giver. And it also made me the recipient of the sweetest moments and the wettest kisses. For that, I am blessed.

Someone once asked me how I felt when I turned 30. I didn't know and couldn't tell any difference then. (I delivered Dumpling just after I turned 31). But now I know. In my 20s I was discovering myself, trying to pursue my career and dreams. In my 30s, I have grown to be comfortable in my own skin, count a handful as close friends who understand me, stand by me and whom I can laugh with and confide in. I am also assured in my various roles - be it a daughter or a mum. I feel 'fuller', more complete and more certain as these facets come together to fulfill me. Instead of losing an identity, I have gained different facets for different 'seasons'. For that, I am thankful. So, here's a toast to all of you beautiful and giving mums out there - for all the tough and challenging moments, for being the greater being and for taking on this lifelong vocation ~ cheers!  

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