Her netball journey - a year of tears, pain, sweat and joy

On the 31^st Jan this year, I received a call from a teary Dumpling crying into the phone that she was not selected for the school team. It was the first time she’s ever called me to seek comfort over the phone, through tears.

With a sinking heart, I tried my best to keep her calm and give her assuring words, but this decision did not come as a surprise. It was because a few weeks just before the announcement I had a conversation with a teacher from the school who told me that while Dumpling did very well as a defender, they were not looking for one. I was stumped and asked why. The reply that I was given was that “defenders do not need thinking skills”. I then asked what support has then been given to Dumpling to hone her attacking skills, but my question was brushed aside. And at that moment, I knew that Dumpling had next to zilch chance in getting into the team. More than that, I did wonder about the leadership of the team if person has such skewed thoughts about the role of defenders.

This was where things got frustrating for me because Dumpling would return home, telling me about the drill work that she did and who she was paired with, and there were many instances where she was not given the chance to work with weight belts, etc as compared to some of the other girls. Hence, it seems that the choices were already made way prior and that the school was spending the time and the effort on those who will be selected.

Dumpling told me that on the announcement day, they were informed that the choices were made based on “attendance”, “grades” and "ball skills". Of which, in terms of the 1^st 2 criteria, factually (by this I mean statistically) Dumpling would have been in the top percentile. As for ball skills, this would be very subjective since there’s no official sets / criteria. Dumpling was sharp enough to know that and asked me then on what basis was she not chosen since she made the mark based on the first 2 criteria and this was something that I could not answer to. Additionally, there was a player in that list (who was chosen) whose attendance and the attitude have been known to be bad.

I did ask one teacher, but she could not answer me. Shockingly, this same player (with the bad attitude) stole (by this I actually referred online to the meaning of the word and here it is: "take another person's property without permission or legal right and without intending to return it."*) from Dumpling some months later where Dumpling found her item in this girl’s bag and the girl admitted to it. The matter was brought up to the school and yet, this girl remains as part of the team, donning on the netball dress representing the institute which I sent my child to, in hopes of my child being educated not just in terms of book knowledge but also in values. What an irony. There were also many dramatic incidents amongst the players which I feel did not show that the team was building up to be one which has strong camaraderie and with the right focus.

When Dumpling did not make the final cut, one of the things we spoke about was if she intended to stay on in this CCA and be part of the recreational team and she told me “no”. I asked her for her reason, and to be honest, if she were to tell me because it was “too hard” I would not have agreed to it, Surprisingly, she shared that the recreational team does not have exposure to friendly games as opposed to the competitive team and if that were the case, she will never learn more and improve. I was very surprised by her thought process and maturity and hence, we transferred her out of that CCA which she was part of since P2.

On 2 Feb, I put up this photo of her trying out new shoes on her new journey in my personal FB page. And I recall encouraging her to continue on with her passion and that maybe one of these days, we can share her journey with some of you readers where it would encourage you and your children but I did not think that I would actually be able to share about her journey within the same year. 

After she left the team, she then began to train with a club outside where she forged new friendships and I dare say, more respectful ones too. The players all played for one thing – “team success”, not for individual glory. They built on each other’s skills and encouraged each other during games with assuring words like “you can do it!”, “good job”, “really well done”, etc., and even when mistakes were made (very unlike her school experience), encouragement such as "it's ok, good try!" were dished out.

She’s trained through rain (yup, they continue even in the rain if there’s no lightning alert), played through injuries and worked through personal obstacles. There were no tinted glasses when she joined the team (i.e. "defenders do not need thinking skills" type of opinions) and instead, she was given a fair chance to be exposed to, and nurtured in various positions where she started learning more about being an attacker too.

Playing and training through rain is quite a norm for us. In fact, I now have sets of towels, slippers, 2 hoodies and a change of clothes all the time in my car

Training through a hyper-extended knee and after being knocked down during a morning league game

And for this season, she's played through a few different leagues and committed to some sessions on Sunday too

Over the past few terms, she has rarely missed out on any training unless she was sick (I think twice) and has not missed out on any league matches which she has committed. She played through exam weeks, learnt to juggle that with her violin practice and after her weekly higher Chinese class, she would travel to a gym for her youth academy classes where she worked on being stronger to counter balance her hyper-mobility so she reduces the risk of injuries. And for all of that, she’s made me a proud mum – because she has shown resilience, maturity and commitment to improving herself.

And after (almost) a year of playing with the club, at an award presentation last evening, much to our surprise, she was given an award - "Most Improved Player" (U11, Year 2019).

An award which recognises her leapfrog in court and ball skills, good performance, great attitude and commitment to the sport and also to her team mates, and of course, her hard work.

She was a bit shell-shocked and was in disbelief.
Past year winners congratulating her and handing over the shield award & personal plaque to her

Where her name now is immortalised on the plaque for the "Most Improved Player" for U11 group in 2019. We get to keep this award at home for the whole year where she will hand it over to the next Most Improved Player for U11 in 2020! (How cool!)

And the personal one which we get to keep

Looking back, I would have to say that it was a very frustrating experience dealing with the school and with a teacher who did not seem to understand (let alone appreciate) the value of each position and how to groom / support each players' growth.

It was also heartbreaking as a parent to receive a call with your child crying over the phone, for the first time ever, and not having the power to make things better for her. It has also been arduous as we had to carve out (almost non-existent) pockets of time to do this outside of school hours so that she can train (on court and in gym) to become faster, stronger and better. There were many times on this journey that she was very discouraged by the plateau in her performance (and possibly me yelling on the side line, haha) and also by the "injustice" of the selection but the important thing is that we stayed on. 

From a parenting perspective, I did not try to soften the blow for her because hey, this is life and it is what it is. There will be moments in life where there are favourtism and when things do not go her way, where she will be struck down, so the only thing that I can do as a parent was to guide her to problem solve - discuss with her our next course of action, what we can do better and how she can bounce back; to encourage and support her in whatever areas that we can and to always assure her that we believe in her. 

And in the end, it was a sweet moment of small success, where she is recognised by her coaches for her effort and performance. Where she has grown to be more confident, make better decisions on court and importantly, I am most happy to see that she is smiling once again, during her training. 

Success begets success and she is so encouraged and so stoked that her coaches recognise her effort that she told me on the way home that she will train harder. So, well done Dumpling, I am so proud of you, that you rose above the challenges and the negativity and improved as a player, a team mate and a person. And as parents, if your child(ren) is/are facing challenges, stick by them, believe in them and continue to whisper words of affirmation. What Dumpling said to me last evening sums up her relationship with her team, "Mum, the girls were all very happy for me and they cheered me on as I collected my plaque. There were no snide remarks and bad attitude and many patted me on my back as I sat. They were so encouraging!" 

That my readers and friends, is what sportsmanship is about and what being a team means. And for that, I cannot be more pleased that she is with a club that lives and breathes that motto (first to arrive at leagues for warm ups, warm up as a group - no sprinters and personal glory, no snide / rude remarks to each other and to other teams), and that she is taught not just to be a better sportsperson BUT also a better being. Thank you Centaurs and my deepest gratitude to all the coaches who believe in her and are supporting her so that she can be the best version of herself.  

* source
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All to get good grades – but is it worth it?

The family had a “big weekend” with the National Day celebration and Hari Raya Haji that just passed. I was actually looking forward to enjoying the rest of the last day of PH where I attended a play with Dumpling in the morning. After the play, I went for lunch with a buddy and her family. The kiddo then was with my buddy’s children and spouse when she suddenly got very upset and showed me her classmate's status update which basically read as such:

“I’m dying”

“I feel depressed”

“I’m not joking. I’m serious”

The girl then proceeded to share that it is because she has to "do 3 exam papers every day” and she has not even a day to rest. (Just to add, the exam papers are not given by the school.) Then it was followed by:

“I do wanna get good grades but I’m dying”

“I wanna cry but I can’t”

And then to our horror, she added on to say 

“She says that XX does more work than me. She’s probably right but still … too much”
“And XX doesn’t have a choice either”

“All to get good grades… it’s not worth it… I just wanna have a day when I can rest… but I can’t”

“I wanna die”

There were more in between and she ended with:
“I’m stuck here… crying”

*XX being Dumpling's name

Firstly, I do not know how it is humanly possible to expect our kids to do 3 sets of practice papers daily. Clearly, the author’s mum’s motto is “more is more”.

Secondly, my kid does not do more work than her kid. My kid does not even smell, let alone touch practice papers monthly. Heck, I will be laughing my way sending her to school if she even remembers to complete her school homework on time.

Thirdly, why is there a need to use my child or any child for that matter a yardstick for comparison? More than that, why is my child being used as an "excuse" to normalize the "3 exam papers daily"? And to dispel any myth, my kiddo is not a top student in her class. That child, however, possibly is one of the top and at the rate she is going, is well on-route to be a scholar.

I am sharing this openly not as an attempt to shame anyone but because as a parent, I am concerned.

Is this the method which we use to get our children to excel – the non-stop practice papers and the pressure by saying that another child is doing more work than yours? Why is there such a need for these comparisons and the need to be so overly focused on just grades? When your child is pushed to a corner where she used her whats app status to share these, does it not say something? When she talks about dying not once, not twice but thrice, does it once again not say something? 

I am sharing this openly also because my child, after seeing the status update was very upset and broke down outside, witnessed by my buddy. In short my child feels that she does not want to do well in school if it means that her friend bears that brunt of it. She also could not understand why she was dragged into it, where "she" (in the status updates) had the impression that my kiddo does exam papers like a machine and my kiddo also did not understand why there is a need for such comparison. Mostly, Dumpling was upset that she will end up not having a friend due to all these competition.

I am sharing this openly because I truly wonder, when have grades become more important than mental health and other things such as values – honesty, perseverance, integrity and responsibility? Why are grades, the only definition of “success”?

I am sharing this because I am worried about the kind of world our children are raised in. Though there are changes to the education landscape where exams are removed, it is very clear here that it would take loads more before such competitions and the the over emphasis of “grades” are lessened in our society. It is sad because in a warp way, what we have done is like what we see in a B-grade movie: we created this grade culture and monster and think that we have it under our control, instead laughably, it has infiltrated our system, "become" the system, gotten into our DNA and it now owns us. Our children end up being drilled endlessly, disliking school and unfortunately, experience first hand how "Kiasuism" and the pursuit of grades drive a wedge in their love for learning and in forging genuine and healthy friendships. 

So, the question aptly asked above resonates deep and true: “all to get good grades – but is it worth it?”

Is your child’s sanity worth it?  

Source

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A lesson from "The Great Automatic Grammatizator": what should I be when I grow up?

Lately the kiddo has been pondering over what she wants to be when she grows up. I suppose this is triggered by class discussions as well as the big topic - DSA. Years ago, when I was interviewed for a magazine, I was asked the same question where I quipped "I just want her to be happy." Years on, my answer remains the same.

With Primary 5, I can feel the mounting pressure on academics. There's home work daily for the kiddo (usually an average of 2 subjects) and the time taken is usually around 1.5 to 2 hours. Frankly, on days where she stays back in school for CCA, Higher Chinese and then there's enrichment classes, she has very little wind down time. Hence my reply to her over these years still remains.

However, her reply has been "but most of my friends know what they want to be - lawyers, doctors, etc!"

I, too, have friends who are working with their kids on a said profession - training from young, DSA, etc., where activities have all been carefully planned for from young.

But my reply to her was "don't sweat over it."

Grades are no doubt, very important in our society. Though there's changes to the banding system where there's supposedly less emphasis on results, in my humble opinion, it will take a while before our society sees beyond grades. That's because many of us parents now were brought up where academics reigned and things for e.g. such "arts" was hardly heard of as a career choice then. Many may not catch on that the world has changed and is still evolving.

When I was recently asked by a friend what I am grooming the kiddo for, she was surprised that I do not have an answer or goal for the kiddo, while I was equally stumped by her question.

I suppose 2 reasons why I was stumped are:

(1) I have faith that God has a plan for all of us so most certainly, He has a plan for the kiddo.

(2) I see that there's a need to move beyond academics because the world our children will be working in is not like the one which we are in now or the one which we were brought up in. Some of these future jobs have not even been created. Take gaming for e.g., I cannot imagine how our parents can see that as careers 15 years back but just look at how "prized" programmers, animation artists, etc. are now. And with AI and machines taking on more jobs, what will there be left for our children?

Coincidentally, the kiddo devoured this book by Roald Dahl some weeks back when she was nursing a fever at home and was bored up to her ears. If you are not aware, Roald Dahl wrote stories not just for young children but he also wrote a series of stories for teenagers too. And interestingly, it was over this story that allowed me to explain the changing world to the kiddo. 

If you have not had a chance to read this story, here's a short synopsis. This dark story centres around a genius who created a story writing machine (Great Automatic Grammatizator) which quite literally "took over the world" as the machine was able to replace the human author by creating better stories (and stories which people want to read) and in turn creating a monopoly in the market place. Human authors were no longer needed but they were "bought" into this system where they "wrote" stories through the machines, deceiving the unsuspecting world. 

This prompted us to have a really interesting discussion if technology is a useful tool, the power of AI (is it too smart for us?) and the disruptions technology and machines can cause in the business world. So, with that, what skill sets are important for one to thrive in a different world 10 years down the road? What disciplines are less replaceable or still require that human touch? What are the jobs that can be replaced and so, what then are left for this generation? 

So, if you are still gunning purely for academics, this story may let you think otherwise. 

The key question should instead be "what skill sets should your child have as she powers through the future world?" 

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Parenting with Love: Values

With the recent MOE announcement on schools having fewer exams and assessments, there’s an attempt to have a shift in focus on academic results. The rigour in our system has been an ongoing discussion for a while, with an MP raising if PSLE should be abolished during Parliament earlier this year.

The academic pressure has also been much discussed within my own circle of friends. However, something that I feel we need to look into is values. A friend of mine recently posted up on her FB about witnessing a child jumping queue and the parent condoning it. More than that, apparently when my friend spoke up, the parent got nasty.

Dumpling as some of you would know, participates in Netball as a CCA. On most days, her position is that of a midfielder. One thing I’ve often advised her is to just take on and try various positions, even when it is not one that is familiar to her. There was an occasion this year where she was tasked to stand in as a shooter, a position she is unfamiliar with. Needless to say, Dumpling did not score any goals. After the session, one player (let’s call her T) called Dumpling a loser. Dumpling (good on her I must say!) told that girl off. What was disturbing was that Dumpling shared with me the girl’s mum heard their squabble and confronted Dumpling, asking her “what is wrong with T calling you a loser?” Thankfully Dumpling stood her ground.

As Dumpling is in the so called "top class" in her school, I often "marvel" (can you detect the sarcasm here?) at some of the parents' teachings and reactions, and wonder if all they are concerned about are grades. On a recent occasion, Dumpling was placed in a project group where each of the team mate has a part to research and write on and the slides were to be collated at the end of the project timeline. Dumpling was “chasing up” with one particular team-mate who was unresponsive and refused to email / save her part in the thumb drive. Towards the end, that team member shared that her slides were ready, but her mum refused to let her email / save it lest the team “tries to copy them”. So apparently, team work and, respect and collaboration are not ranked high on her list here. 

A few months back, Dumpling was also hit on the arm by a classmate with a pencil case. This same classmate also threatened to step onto Dumpling’s violin not once but twice. I had to raise this to the form teacher as the incidents seem to be ongoing (these were not the only few incidents but the more “recent” ones). The girls were purposely separated to reduce chances of interaction. Some days later, Dumpling told me that the girl told the teacher her mom has also told her to stay away from Dumpling lest she (the girl) gets blamed by Dumpling again. So clearly, hitting and threatening someone is not something which the parent thinks is wrong. 

In the past, if my parents were to get a call from the school, my mom would hit the roof and start questioning and punishing us first. I recall my younger days where my mum would cane my brother and I so badly that my classmates would point and stare at the marks over the next few days when we attended school.

(Source)

In this day and age, it seems that the tables have turned. I am not sure if the pursuit of academic excellence causes a downplay on values; after all, our society is meritocratic. It is almost like these children can do no wrong and I can almost hear parents rebutting with a “well, Thomas came in tops for his recent Maths exams”; that good grades are all that matter.

Dumpling has on some occasions told me that I am the worst mum ever and she hates me. Yup, in those words, especially when I come down hard on her for failing to complete her stuff or not taking responsibility for her choices and actions. My reply was (and I still stand by this) that I am first and foremost, her mother, a parent. If we end up being great friends along the way, that’s a bonus. But my main duty in life is to ensure that she grows up being a “good” person – one that is kind, responsible, has compassion and understands the value of good old hard work; one that is willing to speak up for what is right and understands the value of respect and collaboration. So if that makes me a bad parent because I am anal about some stuff, then so be it as I am trying to raise a child with good values, not someone with just great grades. 

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Sports do not build character; they reveal it ~ John Wooden

About 3 years ago just around this time, Dumpling started her little journey playing Netball. She returned home from school one day to tell me that she played Netball during a PAL lesson and promptly asked us to enrol her for training outside. As she was only in Primary 1 then, I recall that I was amused by her sharing and even asked if she was sure or was it that they played Captain’s Ball. To this day I still recall the indignant look on her face when she shared that it was indeed netball. Those lessons, started her love for that ball game and the fire has not been extinguished.

So, for the next 2+ years, she has been learning from and playing for 2 clubs outside. From simple ball drills to body conditioning work, she’s been at it almost every Saturday morning and would ask me for my thoughts and comments on her effort and games.

I personally know of many parents who delayed their girls’ CCA for as long as they could so that their daughters could attend other academic classes instead. I’ve also had mums who asked me why we stuck to it even as the school work gets more and more demanding each year.

So, why did I agree to let her do it then and why do I still support her after so long?

In case you were to misunderstand, let me add that my daughter is not in any school team nor are we remotely praying over / working towards using Netball as a DSA. I agreed to it initially because of 1 thing: collaboration.

As Dumpling is an “only”, I was worried that she would not know how to “work” with others, learn to share and even handle conflicts. Hence that was what got me nodding. Along the way, this pursuit of a sport, taught her many great things: grit, commitment (she sets alarm clock for her training), discipline and teamwork. She’s played through sickness (high fever which we later found out where we pulled her out to rest up), injuries (skinned knees, sore ribs) and also in the rain.

There’s been moments where she was at a plateau and she did not seem to improve or “get it” with her ball drills / game strategies and it would leave her (and frankly me) frustrated. But what I came to love about her is that she always bounces back. My favourite moments “sharing” this sport with her (I used to play this game too) is of us attending the annual Mission Cup games (or for this year, the Asian Games) together where we’d shout ourselves hoarse during the games supporting our team and then discuss the brilliant moves across the court.

Dumpling started walking at 10+ months old where she’d skipped the crawling stage entirely. It was almost like she was too impatient to wait and she went right on to the walking stage. I am not sure if it is because of that but she can be the most uncoordinated person at times. With this game, she had to learn how to work around things she is not naturally strong in and she’s had to endure the muscle fatigue and aches, sprained fingers, skinned knees, bruises and at one game at AIS, a really sore nose.

Photo with her fav players over a span of 3 years

Her school has recently started a series of really long training on every Saturday morning (between 4 – 5 hours and us having to reach school at the ungodly hour of 710am!) as they are now in the midst of selecting the school team for the next year. So, I have been getting tired over the long hours of training and the mad rush of sending her for her violin and catechism classes thereafter. I was sharing with a fellow mum that at times I am not sure why I am still sending Dumpling in for such long training especially when I know we have tons of homework to clear the following day.  

But I have an answer now. 

Recently Dumpling had a friendly match playing against one of the clubs that she was training with previously. She met an ex-teammate where coincidentally, they were direct opponents. After the game, Dumpling shared with me excitedly that her ex-teammate commented, somewhat in surprise, that Dumpling has improved a lot in speed, etc. Needless to say, Dumpling was really happy and encouraged. 

So, that's why we are still supporting her after so long: it is simply to honor her love for this sport. This strange, unwavering love of more than 3 years. Importantly, it is also to recognise that grit and commitment, and celebrate progress. 

Giving a Hi-5 to one of our national players who stands at a whopping 196cm!!!

Of course Dumpling still has many areas to work on but I am very sure that I've yet to meet many 9+YOs who's this committed to something. It is that love for the game that drives her "never-say-die" attitude, even when she faces opponents that are bigger and taller, and at times faster than her. And I, I am proud to be a mom of such a tenacious and determined child. 

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Parenting with Love: Educating for the Future World

I never thought that I'd say this but comparatively to many to other mums, it's evident that I will never qualify to be a "tiger mum". To be one, you must have an iron will as well as the tenacity to weather all storms (including rebellions and meltdowns), not to mention pretty deep pockets. :p  I bumped into a mum a few weekends who stopped me in mid tracks to ask about a Netball organisation that Dumpling was with for the last 2 - 3 terms. From that discussion it evolved to many other side topics but all driving towards how I am steering / preparing my child for an elite Secondary school.

It was clear that this mum was at the top of her game and mind you, I must say that I am very impressed as her child is a good couple of years younger than Dumpling, having only started in Primary 1. Honestly, I could not keep up.

I have recently moved on from the Early Childhood industry (after having spent the past 6 years in this industry) where I am now taking back on a team leader position, overseeing a department. (Please stay with me, this is leading to something.) As the role was left vacant for a while, there are "headcounts" to fill. So, over the past few weeks, I have been actively interviewing candidates for 2 positions as well as understanding the dynamics of my new team, and learning more about my various stakeholders and colleagues.

After viewing what feels like a gazillion CVs, it suddenly hit me that my managers and I were hardly looking into the academic achievements of the candidates. Rather, the candidates that caught my eye were those who cited leadership experiences, commitment (e.g. no job hopping), problem solving skills, etc. During the interviews, traits such as a willingness to collaborate, high EQ (I sometimes ask fairly far out questions to see what response I'd elicit), creativity are things that I look out for.

Source

Dumpling is turning 10 this year and it made me rethink ~ is the future world or are future jobs just about grades? Will interviewers be looking into her PSLE and O level scores comes 10 - 12 years time? Or are there other skills which are more important? What are the jobs which are yet to be created, for the future world?

Source

As parents in this meritocratic society, I believe that many of us were brought up with a view on the utter importance of grades. But what is an irony to me is while as a society, many areas such as technology, medical research, etc. have progressed but our education system seems to be stuck in some sort of a time capsule. The relentless chase for grades is still ongoing, evident in the thriving billion dollar tuition industry here in Singapore.

And I must say that some parents start their kids "early" on these. Dumpling had an interesting encounter with a classmate last year where they had to construct a boat individually but work as a group to present and share their thoughts, findings and rationale for the choice of materials for their boat. Dumpling was in charge of collating the slides and was repeatedly "chasing" for the slides from a classmate. After 2 - 3 weeks (nearing the deadline), the girl shared that her parent does not allow for her to email or share her slides with anyone prior the presentation. Frankly, I was mind-blown. 😐

Collaboration, problem solving skills, conflict management and the ability to lead, to me, are skills which I'd like for Dumpling to hone as they are key to her working well with her colleagues and team mates, no matter where she goes. After all, no one has all the knowledge in the world. And if anything, always choose to be kind. The world is not just about grades, and certainly not just about possessing this tunnel vision of being so "me-centric" and causing much inconvenience where, in this instance, the form teacher had to insert the students' (lone -ranger) slides into the group deck so no one else could see them prior.

I still recall my brother purchasing his first computer (286!!!) from years ago and that the shop assistants were playing computer games when we got there. I recall that "gaming" was being frowned on then, by the older folks as it was not really "a job". Just take a look at our children now. Many parents are signing them for robotics and coding classes, and even MOE has released a statement to share that all primary schools are to set up an applied learning programme by 2023. So who's to say what future jobs will be created in 10 - 15 years down the road?

So are grades, then, truly enough? Or are we, as parents of this next generation, missing out something that's beyond the academics.

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Parenting with Love: Developing Good Habits

My post is a tad late I know, as most of my friends posted their “Goodbye 2017” post end of last year. While I slowed down towards the end of the year (especially with a small accident) and reflected internally, I did not really have the time nor was I in the right frame of mind to sit and type it all down.

On the parenting front, one of the hardest challenges I faced last year was parenting a “tween”. I did not experience any terrible 2s with Dumpling so I was totally unprepared for the struggles we had last year. Then I went on to google and realize that 9 is the start of TWEENAGE. Yup, welcome to this urban term where it is defined as a girl aged about 9-14...too old for toys, but too young for boys (thank God!)

One of the key areas which I would like for her to work on is to develop good habits for this year. As a FTWM, time is something which I lack and with her in Primary 4 this year, I’d like for her to take on more ownership of her work and responsibilities. Add to the fact that I am a Type A, I need things to be planned out properly and way in advance because of the big E word – Efficiency. With a helper to the equation, I realise that Dumpling hasn’t quite been given the chances to plan and manage deadlines on her own. This has resulted in many nagging sessions from me which sometimes lead to intense frustration on my end.

For this year, her schedule seems to be getting crazier primarily because of supplementary classes - the kiddo will be staying on in school for E2K twice a week (will blog about this once she starts and when we have a better understanding of the programme). Added to the fact that she has to also stay on for CCA, I am really worried about her ability to finish her school homework on time and have a little down time to herself.

So with the imminent tight schedule, I took the opportunity to talk to her about setting goals and creating an agreement. I hope that I do not have to nag too much.

(Image source)

So yes, for 2018, my focus is to for her to develop good habits because I believe with good habits,  everything else will follow. And these are what we agreed to:

1. Be responsible for her homework. Namely:

• No devices from 330 to 5pm until school homework is cleared (on days where she does not have to stay back in school)
• Complete school homework on supplementary days after taking an hour break upon reaching home

2. Keeping to the scheduled time slots to complete the individual items then personal time

3. Practising violin daily (even if it is just 20-30 mins)

4. Understand deadlines – e.g. be in room by a certain time

5. Praying before bed

As for me, here’s my focus for the year

1. To set aside me-time: my weekly Yoga and to continue with my self-care skin care regime (Mary Kay!)

2. To guide the kiddo in planning her schedule though it is much quicker for me to do it!

3. To be more prayerful and continue to have positive thoughts  

EDIT: Here's a simple goal setting file which I created for Dumpling so that she can list out her top 3 goals where we can pin it up and we can both view daily. It also includes a simple sheet where you can track your progress some weeks (determined by you and your child) down the road. I hope that it is useful for you guys!

Goal setting printable for children

Do you do goal setting with your child? How do you do it? Has it proven to be successful? I intend to review this a month down the road so wish me luck all!

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A reflection: Term 3 of Primary 3 – I want a happier child

I want a happier child. And by that, I am saying that I want a well balanced child who has time to reflect, moments to dabble in her interests and even quiet moments to be bored. Dumpling is in P3 now and the workload this year has been tremendous so I cannot imagine how things will be like in the next 3 years.

The irony is that I work with teachers and leaders who work with children in the early formative years, where we often celebrate uniqueness and creativity; where we are reminded to respect each child’s expressions and feelings. So how is it that once they hit Primary school, all things come to a halt and rote learning and endless worksheets and homework seem to be the way to go?

I recall that while growing up and attending lectures (during Uni and Poly days), there was much talk and in a way, comparison, between our youths versus those in Western societies. Most often than not, “creativity” and “entrepreneurial spirit” (the lack of) are two areas which are often brought up.

How do we, then, encourage children to develop these skills? Because it seems to me that most of my friends and I “learnt” through rote learning and worksheets while growing up. So how is it that as a nation, we are still using a similar approach 30 years ago when everything else has evolved? And how does that encourage children to think out of the box and problem solve when everything is so structured? Can creativity and critical thinking skills even be cultivated? 

Honestly, I have no idea. But I would think that a self-directed learner has a higher chance of being a more creative child with more out of the box ideas than one that has been constantly exposed to just an instructional / didactic approach. When a person is engaged (regardless of age), “active” learning takes place as the person is more inclined to read up, research and learn more about that topical interest. Similarly for children, they are more likely to experiment and dabble into things when they are engaged. However, to do that, children need time and loads of it to reflect and to ponder.

Dumpling, being homeschooled at a young age, was encouraged to pursue and read up on whatever that catches her fancy and till this day, she still has a very keen interest in “Ancient Civilisation”, “Mythology” and “Social Studies”. She finds the lifestyle of the Mayas and Incas fascinating as the same with Greek Mythology. And in the same breath, she’s shared with me that in Norse Mythology, the days of the week were named after their gods and goddesses. For e.g. Friday is named after Freya and the day was known as Freya Day while Thursday is named after Thor. How fascinating that is. :)

While watching a documentary on Jane Goodall last evening, the narrator mentioned a place, Tanganyika, which Dumpling shared with me that it is now known as Tanzania (Tanganyika united with Zanzibar to form the United Republic of Tanganyika and Zanzibar and the country was renamed the United Republic of Tanzania.) And I was blown away. 

So I made a decision to reschedule Dumpling’s classes and to free up more time for her after school. Why? Because I want to have a happier child. And more importantly, I have realised that while Dumpling does well academically, I have learnt that if I were to continue to push her towards maintaining that academic excellence, she’d just be textbook smart where she'd regurgitate facts but I recognize that we both want more than that or she'd not be the inquisitive and passionate child that I know and that I love so dearly.

In an interview that Jack Ma did, he shared that he does not need his son to be the top three in his class as “only this kind of person [a middle-of-the-road student] has enough free time to learn other skills”. That was a pivotal learning point for me. For any child to continue to excel academically and to be able exercise that level of precision during exams is to practise, practise and practise some more. But that also means that the child is limited to only that academic exposure and nothing else.

Now, I do get that practice makes perfect but why are we so fixated on only that version of “perfection”? And why is it only results centric?  

The only answer that I can come up with, is that "perfection" is the version most of us were measured against when we were studying. So that same “value” we have pegged to results is the same value we are using to measure our child’s success and even the “standards” of schools here (elite versus neighbourhood schools). And Singapore, having gone from a third world country to a first world in 50 years, further cements that "results" is the panacea. So, the system can’t change because in a way, we can’t. Unless we see beyond the value of "just grades" and recognize that our children are all created different and we should celebrate that diversity, then likely, this will always be an academic rat race. 

Dumpling and I had quite a few chats on the rescheduling. This is in a bid to leave her with more "tinkering" time - be it doing some online reading / research, or working on one of her subscription boxes, doing her SCRATCH coding or start work on her stop animation project. Of course, the slight sense of unease is still there but I trust that the future world values things BEYOND grades. 

Sure, grades will open up some doors and maybe opportunities for them but I also believe that other traits such as grit, being able to work well in teams, to lead, creativity, etc., will bring her further in life. 

I recently told her "baby, I don't need you to always be the top 3 in class ya? You know that right?" To which, I am very heartened to share that she said "yes, I know. Because you want me to just be happy and to do things which make me happy." 

Parenting with Love: Enrichment Classes, are they necessary?

As part of my day job, I liaise with parents of pre-schoolers almost daily. One question which comes up inevitably is always on "primary school readiness". From a strictly "local" sense of the word - almost 95% of the parents that I meet are worried if their children will be able to cope with Primary School.

:: So what does Primary School readiness mean?
From a holistic standpoint, there are of course many facets which include social-emotional readiness and skills. While most of the parents that I have met are concerned about academic readiness, there are some who do look beyond that and value skills and traits such as collaboration/teamwork, independence, resilience, etc.

But academic readiness is almost always at the top of their minds when it comes to these parents who will be enrolling their children into the local primary school system. They worry if their kids can cope with the rigorous local primary school system, if the foundation laid is enough for their children and if they should send their children for extra classes - i.e. enrichment classes / after school care programme.

Incidentally, I recently had a chat with an "ang mo" colleague and being in the education industry, it is not uncommon for us to delve into the latest trends, hot buzzwords, our kids, classes, etc. He was quite shocked to learn that Dumpling attends quite a number of classes and even ended his views with "does she even get a chance to play?"

That's pretty strong words and comment for someone who does not know my kid I'd say. LOL! The kiddo fortunately/unfortunately (depending on which "camp" you are in), likes activities and to keep herself busy. This was evident even when she was in Primary 1 and 2; where she'd spent her unstructured time in the afternoon doing what she likes which primarily would either be crafting, reading or doing some online learning stuff.

Being an only child, she has learnt to channel her energy into what amuses her in the afternoon until I am back from work where we will do some activities which she likes such as science and card games. For as long as I can remember, the kiddo has always been the one who asked me for classes (all except Swimming and Chinese class I must add) and feeding her voracious appetite for whatever she's keen on. From writing workshops to ice skating, and from STEM to Chinese Speech and Drama, with God's grace we have been blessed to have been able to support her interests.

:: So are enrichment classes a bad thing? And are we doing the wrong thing if we were to sign our children up for classes? I'd say no.

It really depends on your family dynamics, objectives and your child's personality and interest. I truly dislike sweeping statements like "oh, why are we doing this to the children" or "why can't we let them enjoy their childhood". Why is it that "classes" are perceived as always bad? True, there are KS parents whose objectives are to pepper their kids' schedules daily with classes but there are also other families with different dynamics and concerns.

Take for instance a mum that I know who has a child from her first marriage. As it was an inter-racial marriage, her daughter took Mandarin as my girlfriend thought that she would be able to assist her daughter in it. Though she had the best intentions, as environment and circumstance play an important part, the support was not as strong as intended. Her child's standard started dropping from Primary 2 to an alarming low in Primary 3 before she started failing in Primary 4. All that while, my friend was still adamant about not sending her child for tuition classes because she does not wish to give her child any pressure and wants her child to enjoy school. When she eventually agreed to employ a tutor, the tutor shared openly that the gap by then is really quite big and they have a lot of work for they have a lot of catching up to do; resulting in further pressure. The child has also displayed resistance to the language by then as it is just "too hard" for her.

To me "letting my child enjoy school / her childhood" also means supporting her interests and empowering her with the skills / concepts / knowledge to succeed at her tasks. As human beings, we often are spurred on and motivated to do more and to do better, with each taste of success. Similarly, for children, if he/she were to struggle with a subject and does not have access to the help / support which he / she may need, the child would most likely lose interest and motivation. It then becomes a vicious cycle of doing badly because of disinterest and a lack of knowledge and confidence.

(Dumpling with her cousins attending a STEM workshop)

So doing the right thing for the child will mean different thing to different families because of dynamics. For some, like my girlfriend's experience shared above, that help is necessary since the environment does not provide the Chinese exposure for her child. Now, for my case, Dumpling has been asking for classes out of interest as she wanted to learn a bit more than what the school teachers are able to teach, within the hours in school. Though she has CCA before her enrichment class, she still looks very much forward to them and I can see it in the effort she takes when applying new techniques learnt during the enrichment classes, to her homework.

It is a delicate balance of providing support versus maintaining / encouraging interest. Personally, I feel that when assistance is needed, it is better to start earlier than later, so that the gaps to be bridged are smaller and before the child has shown resistance to that subject. Different centres also have different pedagogical approaches and there likely will be some who are able to engage your child in an enjoyable manner whilst building up the level of competence. Good luck!

Dear Dumpling...

Dear Dumpling,

As it creeps closer to my birthday, I usually get into a more reflective mode and I would look back at the year that has zipped by. One thing that has stood out over these past 7+ years is that you are a big part in these wonderful memories.

I will be the first to tell you that it is not easy to be a mum. I am often hard on you and I do ponder if I had been too hard, when I watch you sleep at night. But know that it being hard does not mean that it is not enjoyable. More than that, know that I am your greatest fan and you should always be assured of my love.

Importantly, know that when I see you fall and do not rush over to help you out, it is because I want you to learn how to get back up on your own two feet.

Know that when I do not side you in an argument / incident, it is because I want you to learn to take responsibility for your own actions and learn from your mistakes.

Know that when I say “no”, it is with good reasons and I only want the best for you as your mum.

Know that when I push and nudge you, it is because I know that you have it in you, to do better, to do more.

Know that when you cry, I cry along with you in my heart, as I furiously blink back my tears before you see them.  

Know that when I hug you a tad too tight, it is because ironically, I find it hard to let go.

Know that I am only just a mum and I do make mistakes as I am still learning how to be a good mum every day. And that many times, I am scared and worried shitless, wondering if my decisions on many folds are the right ones. But also know that I am insanely proud of you and because you are there with me, I am in turn assured that this journey is and will be sweet and fulfilling.

I love you baby, to Pluto and right back.  

If you have enjoyed this post, please follow me on my Facebook Page where I share my parenting thoughts (both on the kiddo and my furkid), food photos (be prepared for tons of them!), outdoor fun, useful reviews, early shout outs for giveaways and interact with you, my readers! You can also follow me on Pinterest and Instagram!  

Parenting with Love: A weary soul dealing with tests and more tests

(Source)

Like many parents, when the kiddo first entered Primary school, I was under the impression that life is pretty much holistic and there are hardly any tests. But I soon realized that those tests are a rose by any other name.

In the past, children in P1 will be taking CAs and SAs where the papers will be cleared over that said date. With the current system, tests are now “bite-size” and are basically named as “holistic assessments”. So this means that most of the time for Dumpling, her tests start from Week 4/5 and it is almost the full range of what one would expect in an SA.

So for each term, her scope will include:

• Oracy elements (Show and Tell / Stimulus based conversation + Read aloud + Picture Conversation*)
• Listening Comprehension / Sound Discrimination (for both languages)
• Written Papers for all subjects (In fact, for the kiddo, she has to usually take 2 Math review papers and 2 performance assessments with the latter not graded)
• Composition (for English) was introduced in T3 in P1 where it was also tested and graded. For P2 this year, compo is graded for T3 and T4. For Chinese, they have been doing 看图写话 exercises since T2 but we have yet to hear formally from her school if this element will be included in her SA.

* For Chinese

So, splitting that over 4 – 5 weeks and the weeks are packed with 2 assessments weekly where there’s also spelling for both languages.

So how are we doing? We are “managing”. From a parental standpoint, all of us want our children to do well but the reality is, to stretch these over 4 – 5 weeks every term, it basically also means consistent revision over the same stretch of period. It then becomes a very fine balance of ensuring the kid has done the due diligence of revision and peppering in good breaks and activities as we are also often bored with all the revisions.  

And before I forget, I have to add that for her school, their results will be used for class banding where they will then move on to a new “class” for Primary 3 (she has been in the same class for the past 2 years). So yes, it feels like “streaming” has arrived early. 

With all these whirlwind of tests and more tests, truthfully they are weighing me down a bit. Added to the mix is this crazy intense competition within the class where there's also class politics (between the girls and amongst the mums!) I often find myself tense and worried. When she makes careless mistakes (arrrhhggg!) which are hefty mistakes (especially in this P1 and P2 period where half a mark makes loads of difference), I’d find myself grumpy and I sometimes come down quite hard on Dumpling. Added to the mix where I am a Type A, you can only imagine the mood in the house during the test period. Reflecting on the grumpy moments over the weekend, I ended up wondering how life would be when it is SA2 end of the year and (gasp!) during her PSLE in 4 years!

Dumpling, on the other hand, was a total trooper where there weren’t many complaints from her. Instead, she started showing interest in WWI and we ended up reading up and learning more about this modern war. We enjoyed ourselves and had a great time discussing the weapons used, the alliances formed and the Battle of the Somme. There were many lively chats and sharing over this topic during meal times and during car rides. AND IT HIT ME. It is all about perspective. Being caught up in this rat race, I have lost sight of what matters.

Education should not be just a testing of “textbook knowledge”. While children acquire knowledge, it is what and how they make sense of it that is important – interpretation, analysis, application and reflection. In Einstein’s words, “Education is not the learning of facts, but the training of the mind to think.”

(Source)

While it is inevitable that the kid will have to take tests after tests in school, it is what we make of it that matters. Yes, unfortunately, the system in SG is where it is meritocratic and everything is based on those numbers on those score sheets. But I am quite adamant that I will learn to look past it, that she is learning loads more about the world than just building on textbook knowledge. And as a parent, I am merely the shepherd, to guide and support her along and more importantly, to maintain that joy of learning and continue to fuel that curious mind of hers. 

With the September holidays around the corner, we are taking the chance to wind down and enjoy the things we like: movies, workshops, play dates, etc. before we take on the last term for this year. Here are some books / areas that she has shown an interest in which we will be finishing up during this period: 

On Bones: 

This series of titles is quite interesting and engaging. It provides bite-size information on quite a technical subject. Each title also provides a pair of 3D glasses which gives the reader an "X-ray" vision where he/she can see the bones in some of the images. 

On WW1 

(part of the 7 titles which we are reading ~ I will share more in an upcoming post)

In just 2 years time, the kiddo will turn from a single to a double digit age. Time slips by us so quickly and I do not want to have any regrets. Hence, I do not want to lose sight of what truly matters to me and I hope that you too, will not lose sight of yours. 

If you have enjoyed this post, please follow me on my Facebook Page where I share my parenting thoughts (both on the kiddo and my furkid), food photos (be prepared for tons of them!), outdoor fun, useful reviews, early shout outs for giveaways and interact with you, my readers! You can also follow me on Pinterest and Instagram!