Parenting with Love - Playing Dirty = Success?

In this somewhat elitist and KS (kiasu: afraid of losing out to other people) society, I have personally encountered some pretty unpleasant parents who would go all their way out to make things happen for their kids, sometimes at the expense of others. About a year ago, I was coordinating for a workshop for a group of parents, I basically threw it out there to let the parents decide if they prefer a 3-day or a 5-day workshop. I have also clearly indicated then, that we will proceed with the majority's choice.

At that point in time most were going for 5-day workshop as those parents felt that they did not want their children to be rushed through and wanted the children to enjoy the workshop more. If I recall correctly, we had only 2 - 3 who chose 3-day simply because they were busy on other days. One particular parent did not want the child to miss out on too much 'school' as the child 'needs to study'. However, the parent was also keen on the workshop and I guess, wanted the best of both worlds. Despite the fact that it was shared (openly in the group) that we were proceeding with a 5-day, because this parent had my mobile number, the parent decided to reach out on a personal level.

In the parent's messages, it was mentioned that the parent did not feel that it was fair for us to proceed with 5 days (as those with 3 days where 'over-ruled'). I then proposed for the child to join us from Day 3 (pro-rata) but the parent refused to as the parent felt that by coming in only on the 3rd day, the child would lose out as compared to the other children who attended from Day 1.

The parent relentlessly continued to text in the hope of changing my mind to swing the entire programme to a 3-day workshop, despite the fact that 70% of the rest prefer a 5-day programme. But because 'we are friends', I guess that the parent wanted to see if I could help. Now, that I felt, was taking it a tad too far. I also wish to add that the workshop was in no way academic but something which is related to the Arts and I cannot see how that child will 'lose out'.

Another incident was for a similar workshop which I organised some time later and a parent called and reached out to the vendor for the purpose of asking the vendor what they can do if the child wants to have ONLY the lead role and nothing else. She apparently asked if there was something the vendor can do and arrange for BEFORE the workshop started.

Call me anal or a stick-in-the-mud, but I felt that the approach was a tad underhanded. But apparently, to some, in this competitive day and age, it is perfectly OK for parents to make side arrangements as such. Like in the latter example, of not letting the roles being assigned based on the children's capabilities and suitability. In the mum's defense, the mum said that it was because her child is very competitive by nature and does not like to be in anything less than the lead role and she was afraid that her child would be sorely disappointed and would not be able to accept a supporting role.

While I am certainly a very focused mum, I am sure that comparing to these 2 other parents, I do not quite qualify as a "tiger mum". In fact, when I told the hubs about these incidents, he was chuckling very hard while I sat there fuming away thinking about the 'approaches' these parents deploy in order to let their children 'succeed'.

Is success truly and can only be measured this way? In this blog, I have mentioned several times that as a parent myself, of course I want to and I am tempted to give my child the very best in life. But, I have to curb the tiger cub in me to want to 'control' the elements too much. And I certainly draw a line at being under-handed and using such methods of "not letting my child 'fail'".

While I would love and want Dumpling to be driven and motivated, I certainly do not want it to be at the expense of 'values'. And I definitely will not set such a stage for Dumpling so that she has only one route and that is the route to 'success' if success were to be defined as such. I'd want my child to be resilient, to use her judgement and learn to make decisions, to make mistakes and most importantly, to bounce back from the 'mistakes' after a fall. I want her to take responsibility of her choices and to even take calculated risks and that it is OK to 'fail'.

What about you? As a parent, how much of their paths do you attempt to carve out for your children? Do you allow them to make mistakes and 'fail'? How do you build resiliency in your children?

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