Thursday, February 27, 2014

Parenting with Love - Playing Dirty = Success?

In this somewhat elitist and KS (kiasu: afraid of losing out to other people) society, I have personally encountered some pretty unpleasant parents who would go all their way out to make things happen for their kids, sometimes at the expense of others. About a year ago, I was coordinating for a workshop for a group of parents, I basically threw it out there to let the parents decide if they prefer a 3-day or a 5-day workshop. I have also clearly indicated then, that we will proceed with the majority's choice.

At that point in time most were going for 5-day workshop as those parents felt that they did not want their children to be rushed through and wanted the children to enjoy the workshop more. If I recall correctly, we had only 2 - 3 who chose 3-day simply because they were busy on other days. One particular parent did not want the child to miss out on too much 'school' as the child 'needs to study'. However, the parent was also keen on the workshop and I guess, wanted the best of both worlds. Despite the fact that it was shared (openly in the group) that we were proceeding with a 5-day, because this parent had my mobile number, the parent decided to reach out on a personal level.

In the parent's messages, it was mentioned that the parent did not feel that it was fair for us to proceed with 5 days (as those with 3 days where 'over-ruled'). I then proposed for the child to join us from Day 3 (pro-rata) but the parent refused to as the parent felt that by coming in only on the 3rd day, the child would lose out as compared to the other children who attended from Day 1.

The parent relentlessly continued to text in the hope of changing my mind to swing the entire programme to a 3-day workshop, despite the fact that 70% of the rest prefer a 5-day programme. But because 'we are friends', I guess that the parent wanted to see if I could help. Now, that I felt, was taking it a tad too far. I also wish to add that the workshop was in no way academic but something which is related to the Arts and I cannot see how that child will 'lose out'.

Another incident was for a similar workshop which I organised some time later and a parent called and reached out to the vendor for the purpose of asking the vendor what they can do if the child wants to have ONLY the lead role and nothing else. She apparently asked if there was something the vendor can do and arrange for BEFORE the workshop started.

Call me anal or a stick-in-the-mud, but I felt that the approach was a tad underhanded. But apparently, to some, in this competitive day and age, it is perfectly OK for parents to make side arrangements as such. Like in the latter example, of not letting the roles being assigned based on the children's capabilities and suitability. In the mum's defense, the mum said that it was because her child is very competitive by nature and does not like to be in anything less than the lead role and she was afraid that her child would be sorely disappointed and would not be able to accept a supporting role.

While I am certainly a very focused mum, I am sure that comparing to these 2 other parents, I do not quite qualify as a "tiger mum". In fact, when I told the hubs about these incidents, he was chuckling very hard while I sat there fuming away thinking about the 'approaches' these parents deploy in order to let their children 'succeed'.

Is success truly and can only be measured this way? In this blog, I have mentioned several times that as a parent myself, of course I want to and I am tempted to give my child the very best in life. But, I have to curb the tiger cub in me to want to 'control' the elements too much. And I certainly draw a line at being under-handed and using such methods of "not letting my child 'fail'".

While I would love and want Dumpling to be driven and motivated, I certainly do not want it to be at the expense of 'values'. And I definitely will not set such a stage for Dumpling so that she has only one route and that is the route to 'success' if success were to be defined as such. I'd want my child to be resilient, to use her judgement and learn to make decisions, to make mistakes and most importantly, to bounce back from the 'mistakes' after a fall. I want her to take responsibility of her choices and to even take calculated risks and that it is OK to 'fail'.

What about you? As a parent, how much of their paths do you attempt to carve out for your children? Do you allow them to make mistakes and 'fail'? How do you build resiliency in your children?

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23 comments:

  1. Such is a syndrome, parents fearing of not knowing about every possible enrichment classes or workshop and their child unable to attend every single one of them.

    Continue texting u in hope of influencing u to change the workshop? That's bullying and pushing it too far!

    Child can only take lead role? THAT is more important then teaching your child the importance of failure, disappointment, acceptance, compromise which are essential when they want to survive in society???

    I would guide my boy towards the right direction or the path(s) I want him to go but he has to fan for himself in every aspect. I can offer suggestions, I will not fight his wars for him.

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    1. Yup, the parent was very 'focused' in wanting to be heard and wanting that workshop to be a 3-day affair. :) Persistence in the highest degree. :p

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  2. My goodness no wonder kids nowadays cant take hardship. Why is it only lead role n no less?? Ridiculous!

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    1. Yup, it was ONLY the lead role the parent (or in this case, the parent said that the kiddo wanted). I would be OK, if the kiddo has impeccable talent in this area where they are being "screened" fairly but clearly, the parent did not want to take that chance.

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  3. Woah. If they can go with majority, my take is they should go for private classes. That way, they can fix the timing and duration and be the only lead role. Someone has got to wake them up!

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    1. The parent did not join in the end Cen-Ling. Not sure if the element of 'chance' was too much for her (and the kiddo) to take. :)

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  4. It's scary how some parents go out of their way to "cushion" their kids, that's not helping them grow, that's basically rearing a "kiasu" child- scared to lose, scared of failures

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    1. I totally agree with you Maddie. I was discussing this with the hubs and we came to a conclusion that if it is indeed our child who is so competitive and is not able to accept anything lesser than that, then all the more, we would not carve out such paths or make such arrangements to 'feed' her expectations. Kids have to learn and they often are more resilient that we think that they are. I feel that if the child's self worth is not pegged to such things, then what setbacks are there to be afraid of? As a parent, I see my role as to guide and to hug them when they fall and I hope not to be one who will want to bubble wrap my kiddo

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  5. Wow. Thanks for sharing. Definitely not going to allow such things to happen. My experience was my child learnt better through mistakes n remember.

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    1. Yes, when they make them, they remember them well Joey. And I rather my kiddo make them when they are young, have their resiliency built up then to suffer from great emotional setbacks when they are old as they are unable to handle these 'failures' (for the lack of a better term)

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  6. These are pre-primary kids? So ridiculous! The kids will suffer when they grow up in the real world. You can't possibly win everything every time! I got to hand it to you for not flaring up at these overzealous parents when they "chut" pattern. You are very gracious liao! I would've definitely handled it *ahem* diffently.

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    1. Hi Liza

      Congrats on your Yvie!!! :) Yes, these are pre-primary kids la and yes, those are KS parents lor! :p I try not to flare up because I do understand that all parents are naturally protective about their kids but truly, it can get very hard at times. While I understand that is instinctive as parents but it gets annoying when they bulldoze over others just to get their ways. Especially in these instances where the goal is not so much to nurture and expose the children but to want to swing the entire thing towards their way and at the expense of other kids. The ironical thing was that I had a conversation with Dumpling prior the workshop and specifically lingered on the fact that it is OK for us if she is not chosen to be in the lead role as everyone should have a chance. And then, I had this encounter. LOL

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  7. I've always believe to go with the flow. If my child's schedule does not allow, then its just too bad. I would either drop it or blend in like you recommended. Children adapt very well. I don't understand what the fuss is. Perhaps I'm not that a fussy mum! It won't bode well if such attitude continues later on in life because the child may grow up to be all hoity toity.

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    1. Hi AC, that's cos you are a pretty chilled mum! And yes, my thoughts exactly. If schedules clash, then too bad, will have to skip it right?

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  8. Gosh both parents sound way over the top! No wonder so many people say that we're raising strawberries instead of children these days, because they are so 'easily bruised'. I think it's really sad that these parents seem to be raising self-centered children, with a misplaced sense of entitlement, simply by behaving in this manner. I really hope that I'll remember not to be like them.
    Adeline @ Growing with the Tans

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    1. Hi Adeline, yes, both were quite OTT and these are not the 'worst' experiences. I just feel that it is a bit myopic to want to cushion so much at this age - what's gonna happen to the kid when the kid grows up? We can't be there all the time to cushion their falls or in this case, prevent them from falling totally

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  9. Woah... let's just say I'm glad I wasn't the organiser. I wish more people would choose to be appreciative instead...

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    1. :) Thanks Fel. It is part and parcel of the local culture here I think. I shared because I do not appreciate the 'underhanded' means of trying to make such side arrangements and just trample on the other kids who possibly would have been more suited for the lead role and in the former instance, the preferences of the majority of the other parents. Our children are precious to us (no doubt about that) but that does not mean other children should be treated as being less important. :(

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  10. I'm disgusted but not surprise that some parents go to that level. I guess I also don't wish to see my kids fail, but to always help them pave the road is not beneficial to either of us. And I can see how they will grow up into as I have seen working adults who can't accept failure and expected to be spoon fed all the time. My guess is these kids will grow up to be like these people.

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    1. That's why it is sad. 'Coz what started off as possibly a good intention turns out to be something which could be potentially detrimental for some kids in the long run. Not to be corny (that or possibly the kiddo's rendition of the Frozen theme song is rubbing off me) but we gotta 'let it go' at times. Kids are probably more resilient than we think that they are

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  11. My brain cannot take it just reading it! So convoluted! ;P

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    1. LOL, it does seem to be a bit that way for this post ya? Tread on! You will be shocked! Hahaha

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  12. You'll be most surprised that some of these parents behaviors actually continue when their child is an adult. True story, a friend who's in HR had a candidate who came for the interview who was chauffeured by his mum and after the interview, his mum went in to ask how he did for the interview. I was speechless...Talk about not allowing our kids to fail.

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